December 16th, 2024

I’m Alex (they/he), and I identify as agender and aroace. Since this summer I have gotten comfortable using a preferred name rather than my legal name and to say it has been liberating is an understatement. I’ve grown up with a name placed upon me that I was never truly comfortable with, an identity I could never see myself becoming a part of me for the rest of my life. It’s suffocating – and still is. My family doesn’t know about my gender identity and sexuality. Well, one of my brothers knows, but only because I did not want to lie on my university application form and he happened to be there at the time that I filled it out. I knew he wouldn’t approve of my answer. I expected the scoff and the “really?” in an incredulous tone that he gave me. We’ve never talked about it since. That was over a year ago. As I write this, my family is sitting across from me, mindlessly chatting away while I pour out part of my life and thoughts that they would most likely never know about. I’ve come to peace with it, even if it breaks me inside knowing that my parents will pass away without ever knowing who I truly am. How is it that so many of us queer people can ever truly know peace when the ones who are supposed to love us fade away from our lives? 

I have to think about the inevitable moment that will come in a couple of years when I graduate from university – choosing between walking the stage to my dead name to appease my family or to walk with my chosen name that I’ve grown to cherish listening to my dearest friends say. Before that though, I have to tackle the everlasting dilemma that is the other situation I am in with my family, mainly my father. It’s…rough to say the least. Being forced in a position where you have to appease an abusive parent because they help pay for your livelihood is something I would not wish on anyone, but it is my current reality. I want to live and be my true self at home, but I can’t in fear of being scrutinized. I want to be able to tell my family that I actually do not want to study law and become a lawyer and want to become a writer or a journalist instead. To not stay cooped at home, neglected and alone. I want to live freely, go out, be someone somewhere else. I want to be able to save up money to eventually get top surgery and alter my body to the way I’ve always envisioned it to be, not the one that always gets gawked at because of its curves. In the future, I want to be amongst those that will write the stories of the people that will fight back against conservative right-wing policies. I want to write about history being made such as the stories of people like Chase Strangio, the first openly transgender attorney to argue before the Supreme Court.

 I have to start small. So far, I am most proud of the large community of queer and queer friendly folk that I helped form in my university through the founding of the Music Appreciation Club in which I am Vice-President of. I knew I had to advertise the student organization as a safe space for queer students and allies alike so I made it a goal to always have at least two pride flags out during tabling. Immediately, I felt a sense of belonging with everyone that approached our table and joined our organization because of their love for music and the search for a place where they felt they could belong. I’ve had members tell me a bit after they joined that for the entire time that they have been on campus, they have not seen another student organization proclaim themselves as a queer friendly space before the Music Appreciation Club. I felt elated but also disappointed. The University of Houston-Downtown has never left me feeling like I was alienated in my own identity. Far from it actually. When I saw that I could choose ‘agender’ as my gender identity and have my ID printed with my preferred name, it truly saved me, and I’m sure it saved so many others. Beyond that though, I expected every student organization to be open about their acceptance of queer identities such as our fraternities and sororities. But with every tabling I’ve attended, pride flags were only on display for organizations specifically targeted towards queer and gender non-conforming people, which somewhat concerned me. Was my university so open to queer identities that there was no point in having pride flags in the open? Is everyone made to assume that everyone is accepting of queer people? That thought ran through my head but then I remembered what the club members have told me and realized the true impact of being open about queer identities; to be unapologetically outside the norm. 

Fall 2024 marked the first semester of the UHD Music Appreciation Club, and I can proudly say that we have now garnered 183 members in that short time. That safe space my friends and I created has not only helped club members but myself as well. If anything, I hoped for the organization to be something that I wish every university had, especially with the removal of Diversity, Equity and Inclusion offices in Texas public universities. It’s been gratifying, and I plan on pushing the student organization even further out to reach those new to the campus and have it serve as a reminder that there’s always a group of people that will cherish them for who they are.